BITTER SWEET

Today was bitter sweet for many reasons. First, my little man turned 9 months. I know, I can barely believe it. Second, I was reminded of the brevity of our time here on earth after attending the funeral of my boss' mother. And lastly, as of today, my Wednesdays will be spent in the office vs. at home with Lucas.

I knew when I got pregnant that I would need to return to work after our son was born and my maternity leave was over. This was a much easier concept to grasp while Lucas was still in my belly. :) Once he arrived and my three month maternity leave came to a close there was nothing more heart wrenching than the thought of leaving my beautiful, innocent baby who physically and emotionally needed me, while I spent 11 hours a day away from him to resume my position at work. It was, and remains, the hardest thing I have ever done. Regardless of the fact that working moms have become more of the norm in today's society, I have a hard time with this concept.  The first day I dropped Lucas off at daycare I literally felt like I left behind a limb. It felt (and continues to feel) so incredibly unnatural. How can it be right when my baby relies on me for all of his basic needs? And nothing screams more unnatural than pumping breastmilk in the server room at work 3 times a day!! (TMI!) Anyway, I digress..

I am lucky enough to have great bosses who were willing to work out a modified schedule with me once I returned from maternity leave.  They agreed to let me work from home on Wednesdays for as long as I was able to. I am so incredibly thankful for this as I don't think I would have survived the last 6 months without my Lucas Day to break up the week.  Well, this is where the bitter comes in..  Now that Lucas is so mobile and interactive, it is very difficult for me to work AND take care of him. The nature of my job requires a certain urgency that can sometimes be very difficult when I also have Lucas to tend to. It has gotten to the point where I am not able to do both jobs well, one will suffer and that is not acceptable.  I can't sacrifice my son's care for work and I have to work. So the only option was to say goodbye to my Lucas Day.

On the bright side, me working helps provide for my family and therefore has an important purpose.  Whether it feels "right" or not, it is a reality in order to sustain the lifestyle that we enjoy.  We are very fortunate to have a beautiful home and the ability to do things we love (which unfortunately requires money!). However, this prompts my next train of thought.. Is it really necessary we both work outside of the home so that we can have all these nice things?  Is spending our days away from Lucas the right thing since we can provide more for him and ourselves? Maybe.  I don't know.  Or do we need to re-align our priorities and cut out all the "stuff" that we think we need so that our Sweet Lou doesn't have to spend his days away from Mom (or Dad)? I don't know.

Who knows what the future holds. It is both our hopes that someday I can stay home to raise our kids so I am confident that the day will come.  In the meantime, we will do our best to provide for our son and eachother the best way we can. 

I WILL survive without my Lucas Day.  I WILL survive.